Candy canes

They make your flavor now. 

Those broken firsts

The last 10 days or so have been rough.  I miss you and struggled through a lot of firsts and were also lasts.  Realizing that the McCaw Christmas was the last time I saw you and trying to smile my way, along with Zayne, through the first one without you.  Hanging your Christmas stocking and knowing that I won't be filling it full of some random gifts and candy but at the same time knowing it just wasn't right to put your's up.

It's just been a really sucky time.  New Year's Eve will be difficult and so will the anniversary of your death, but I have this thought in my head that somehow, some way, once I get past all the firsts that things will get just a little bit easier.  There will be confirmation that I was able to make it through the most difficult year of my life.  You will still be greatly missed during all those special times but I hope it will sting just a little less.  You'll never be forgotten and there will forever be a hole where you should have been.  I just hope it becomes less painful.

I placed a framed photo of you under my Christmas tree.  I've debated getting a special candle to further memorialize you at the holidays but am thinking against that.  Instead, I'm going to do a special candle but to light to stand in as you for those big days.  I'm sure I will forget to light it from time to time and will beat myself up about it but I like the idea.

I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were still here.

The picture under my tree - you in that silly sweater that made you so happy on our last Christmas together.

Surviving the Holidays

How to Survive the Holidays when a Loved One is Missing

by Lynn Shattuck

I loathed the first Christmas after my brother died. 

I felt like the strands of jewel-toned lights were taunting me, the ads flashing symbols of family and love and togetherness. The tumbling of decades of holiday memories rising in my mind: the time my brother and I secretly opened each other’s gifts weeks before Christmas. The photos of us hunched beneath the tree, unwrapping sweaters or skis. It all felt like salt on the wound, stinging and mean. 

All I could see was what was missing—my brother. My family as I’d known it. 

To cope, my parents and I followed the advice of grief books and created new traditions. We spent Christmas morning with two women whose husbands had died within the last year. It sounds like a real party, right? Two grieving parents, a bereft sister, and two widows. But it actually was. Not having to pretend that life was shiny and tinsel-lined was a relief. Together, we agreed it was okay to hate the holidays, and with that permission hovering in the air around us, we actually found small pockets of joy. 

It was still hard and painful, and everything felt off-kilter, tilted. But we survived it. We gave each other silly gifts, and we giggled a little, and together, we wrapped gauze over that first set of holidays without our lost loves, knowing that the following year would likely be a little easier, having gotten through with our new, unwelcomed normal. 

It often feels like a lifetime since that first Christmas without my brother. Yet, the holidays still bring up a distinct sense of unease in me. All the expectations of cheer and joy and brightly wrapped gifts doesn’t make the ache in our lives go away. 

Sometimes, it simply illuminates it. 

We never get over the loss of a loved one. We get through. With time, the rawness eases. But the pain also settles into our joints, into the hollow of our bones. It is patient and stubborn. It lingers. For many of us, the holidays bring it all rushing to the surface. 

My life today is good, and one that a younger, haunted version of me couldn’t have imagined. I have two beautiful babies, a kind, funny husband, and amazing friends and family. This is not the raw, metallic grief of those early years. Yet, I still can’t totally embrace this season. I can’t string lights without those sore parts making themselves known, reminding me they’re here—still, and probably forever. 

One of the hardest lessons of my adulthood is about figuring out how to hold the dark and the light at the same time. To understand that emotions can be layered and complex, that we can be grateful and grieving, hobbled and happy, devastated and daring, all simultaneously. 

This year, I’m going to more fully invite the richness of all these feelings. The delight of smoothing snow-white frosting across sugar cookies and dusting them with ruby-colored sprinkles. The anniversary of one of my closest friend’s death that brought so many tears today. The sparkle in my children’s eyes as they make out their gift lists. The feeling of my husband’s palm. The ancient, yet ever-present loss of my baby brother. There is space for it all if, just like that first Christmas without my brother, I allow it. 

I am overflowing. 

May this season be rich and real. May we not need to hide from our sadness, our longing, or our goodness. May we find space for all of this to mingle. May we feel it all, brightly, achingly, deeply.

I miss the me I was when you were here

Still search

Hey

Hey little one...it's been a while since I wrote you.  It's not that I'm not thinking of you because not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind.  The holidays are here and everything is getting damn hard and painful again.  I so miss you...your laugh...your smile...your voice...everything.

Thanksgiving was hard.  I didn't think it would hit me so hard but it did.  I predict Christmas will be even worse.

In other news, we have a Oompa Loompa as our president-elect.  Yes, Trump won.  Still cannot believe it.  You would be livid.  I just don't know what the man can do that is positive for our country.  He already appears to bigoted and hateful.  While I hate that you aren't here, I couldn't imagine your free, sassy, spirit thriving under his rule.  I hope I'm overreacting and know that only time will tell.

I'm going to write more.  Hell, if I wrote about you each time I thought about you, this blog would have so many entries.  I love you, Kyah.  To the moon and back.

Gathering the Sun

Rock band

Pinball wizard played at lunch. Totally remembered the good times we had playing that damn game. 

Election

It's election night and it's too close. I voted for Hillary. If Trump wins, *shudder* I just can't even. It's terrifying. 

Your view

I just miss you

From Still Standing magazine, article by Jessi Snapp:

---

I just miss you. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that – I just miss you. What I wouldn’t give for one more moment. One more moment to hold you. To look into your eyes and tell you how much you are loved.

What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to the moment where I last held you. Where I was able to kiss you and where I was forced to say goodbye. Because I would relive all the pain of what came after – for just one more moment with you. I would hold you close to my warm skin, with my arms wrapped tightly around you and I would breathe you in. I would soak in that moment all over again, even knowing it would be our last.

What I wouldn’t give to have a second chance. A chance to do things differently even though I know those things couldn’t change the outcome. But I’d do them anyway because I would do anything to try. There are a thousand different versions of how our story could have played out – and this version is the one I didn’t expect. I cannot undo what has already been done – but what I wouldn’t give to try just one more time.

I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so irrevocably. I never knew how deep and wide love could flood into my life. I never knew how precious this life was until I met you. I never knew just how much love could hurt until you left. And I never had a clue that the cause of insuperable pain could be narrowed down into four little words – I just miss you.

Your absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood, it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of your absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. It has cracked my heart wide open and my heart has bled with nothing but undying love. And it left me fighting to survive it all. But I would do it all over again.

Because our love is so much more than a flood of your absence.  Our love is like a lighting that rushes through me. It has illuminated the darkest parts of me. It ignites my soul and has thundered through my life – pushing me to live a life full of you. For you. Because of you. You – the one who has changed me. The one who has taught me so much about this life and my ability to love with every cell in my body.

For you – I keep breathing, I keep fighting, I keep living. For you – I love more deeply and laugh more freely. For you- I cherish this one life I’ve been given. No matter the amount of pain and heartbreak. For you – because you exist in every corner of my soul. And your name has transcended from the title you were given while you were still here and into a feeling that describes your absence. Because on the days where I just miss you all I can do is utter your name. And when someone asks me what weighs heavy on my heart yours is the name that flows out. Nothing more is needed to describe what it is I am feeling because you are that feeling. The feeling of missing you, loving you, longing for you, and all the feelings in between. You are the reason they are there and you are the reason I feel them so profoundly.

I never wanted any of this. No one ever wants this. But I wanted you. And sometimes no matter how much we want – it isn’t enough to stop the waters from rising and the flood from sweeping into our lives.

So much time has passed and still some days there is a heaviness that weighs me down. I keep searching for the words to explain where it comes from or why it’s there. It feels so complicated yet the only words I can muster are – “I just miss you.” I miss you more than words can say and emotion can express. Everything I do has been washed by the waters of your absence. Even my heart beats to a steady rhythm of you and its echo rings through the space where you used to be. I have never known so much love, so much joy, and so much heartbreak, until you. And some days the only explanation for the suffocating pain that still lingers on is…

I just miss you.

Celebration of Life, part 2

We displayed this at the celebration:

Memorial display

The labyrinth

We don't know where this bracelet came from and all of us swear it was not on the bench earlier but it was there at the end.  It reminds me of something you made when you were little.  Hell, I could imagine you wearing it shortly prior to your death.  To me, and to most there who saw it, we felt it was you.  Zayne has the bracelet now.  

Celebration of Life

Hey, little one...it's been a while.  Things are crazy here and very up and down.  I'm sorry I haven't written sooner.

Sunday, September 25, Zayne and I hosted a Celebration of your Life.  We held it at the labyrinth at Yanney Park.  Had a good turnout: me, Zayne, Lori, Jacinda, Pixie, Kathey, Alex, Trav, Sam (Trav's woman), your dad, Tamara, my mom, my step dad, Daniel, Cora, Pepper, your mom (!! at a pagan ritual !!), and Mac was there via Skype or something on Zayne's phone and talking through Cora.

I think it did some good for my soul as well as Zayne's.

(There's something I really, really want to bitch about but won't.  I know you are around us all the time so I'm pretty sure you already know about it.)

Here's the ceremony:

Celebrating the Life of Kyah Nicole Kinkade

WELCOME

We want to welcome all of you to the celebration of Kyah’s life.  The autumn equinox has come and gone and with it, a time of balance and the start of letting go.  Letting go can mean so many things and we aren’t asking anyone to let go of Kyah.  We want each of you to hold her within your heart and mind, remembering those moments you spent with her.  But we do want to let go of the tragedy of her passing…not only the manner of her death but the fact that her life was over much too soon.  By doing that, we focus on her life and the years she spent here with us.

SHARING OF WORDS FROM SHANDA AND ZAYNE

Shanda

Zayne

BLESSING

Dear Universe,
Please enlighten what is dark in me,
Strengthen what is weak in me,
Mend what is broken in me,
Bind what is bruised in me,
Heal what is sick in me,
And lastly, revive whatever peace and love I’ve lost along the way.

Blessed Be.

OPEN SHARING

At this time we wanted to encourage others to share their thoughts and/or memories of Kyah.

(My mom shared a memory of you selecting the pixie dust necklace among other options of precious gems, Daniel brought up overhearing your wicked sense of humor while playing Cards Against Humanity, your dad chimed in on that too, Lori talked about how you always laughed and smiled through the pain, Cora mentioned the time you mocked her when she was applying white makeup and it being totally unnecessary, Mac added the New Year's Eve she spent with us, the One Direction toothbrush, and staying up all night watching movies.)

ABOUT THE LABYRINTH

As a family, we would walk the labyrinth and even held a group ritual here.  It became a special place for us, one that offered comfort and healing and promoted peace of mind and heart.  It is fitting that we now encourage everyone to experience the labyrinth in their own way.

The labyrinth is an ancient prayer tool used by those on a spiritual journey.  It is one used by those on all religious paths.  It invites you into a place of rest and wholeness, but along the way you encounter changes of direction.

At times it seems you are near your goal and a turn takes you to the outside edge again.  At other times you may be near the edge and find yourself quickly at the center.  The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.

On the way to the center, we often focus on letting go of worries and all that takes space in our hearts and minds that isn’t for the greatest good of ourselves and others.  At the center, the heart is open.  We often used the center to let go of that which does not serve us.  And we leave it there.

On the way out, we shift focus and pull those dear and precious moments to ourselves.  We feel lighter having let go of that which may weigh us down.  As you move further from the center, back towards the beginning, only let the positive thoughts come to you.  Let yourself be empowered and fortified by them.  Notice your breathing, notice the rhythm.  Can you hear and/or feel your heart beating?  It’s a beautiful cadence.

Take as long as you’d like to walk the labyrinth.  Walk at your own speed and make the most of your experience.  When you reach the center, stay as long as you’d like.  You can then exit the labyrinth by retracing your steps or simply walking out towards the entrance.  Please be mindful of others and their experience.

MUSIC AND WALK THE LABYRINTH

TOKENS

It was important to us to give something back to those of you who played a role in Kyah’s life.

• The blue bag, the color of water, is for the true Pisces and water baby that Kyah was.
• The penny is for luck and memories since Kyah truly cherished both, and pennies represented so much to her.
• Hematite is for grounding and healing and was one of her favorite stones since it could heal itself.
• Music note is for joy and happiness.  Music was one of Kyah’s greatest loves and she enjoyed playing it and listening to it.
• Two turtles so neither is ever alone and to remind us to take it slow and that we are all connected to everything.
• Heart for what Kyah cherished most – the love she had for her family and her friends.

CLOSING BLESSING AND FAREWELL

May the Positive Energy of the Universe surround you, flow through you, bring peace to your mind, love to your heart, calm to your spirit.  Blessed Be.

Thank you for being here and celebrating Kyah’s life.  Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.

Cheetos Chicken Fries

You were never a huge fan of the chicken fries at Burger King but you certainly loved Cheetos and chicken nuggets.  How dare they come out with these after you've passed away.  I'm going to try them when I'm in Kearney...for you.  Maybe I'll even take some out to the cemetery and leave them as an offering.  That might be weird but I don't care and know you would certainly have a similar attitude to saying screw it to weirdness.

I've been talking to you a lot lately, more than I have since shortly after you passed.  Maybe it's because Zayne and I are hosting a celebration of your life this coming weekend that has you floating through my mind more than normal.  Who really knows.  I just wish you could respond, or maybe if you are responding, I wish that I could hear you.  That would be fantastic.

In my heart

You will

The price of love

Because this would make you laugh

Back to school

Tomorrow, the KHS class of 2017 will start their senior year. They will be the first class to graduate from the new high school. They are making plans for after graduation and looking forward to a year of making memories. 

You should be with them. Your should be there. Instead, this is a year of "what if" and "if only."  It will be a year of difficult moments when I will miss you extra. It'll be two semesters worth of those things you'd looked forward to doing and me mourning those events that you never got to experience, so many of which we take for granted. 

Tomorrow should have been something special...

Best friend

I found out, shortly after your death, that you considered me your best friend. It made me feel good but also so sad. I love you so much and you will forever be one of my best friends.  I miss my best friend. 

Three years ago

Never knew I could miss you more than I did in that moment. 

And then your dad and I separated and I only saw you via FaceTime and every three months or so. 

And then you died. 

And now I will miss you for the rest of my life. 

Every morning

Cards from my people

So many people remembered you with flowers and plants.  It's always a little heart-warming to see the show of affection after the fact.  Not that these people didn't love you in life, but they truly are honoring you in death.  In some cases, the senders didn't know you at all, but do know me, and, I would say, care for me a great deal.  Here are the cards that accompanied the plants and flowers from my people.

Marie is a friend of Lori's and we've friended each other on Facebook but have never met in person.  The flowers were from her, her husband, and youngest son.

Some of my dearest friends from Cozad High School Class of 1992.

Pagan friends

Grandma and Grandpa Higbee, Trevor and Tina

The duality of memories

Senior year

Band camp. School shopping. Senior pictures. Planning college visits. 

We should be doing these things now. 

Hope you are well, my sweet. Missing you like crazy. 

I'm so sorry

Historical moment

We officially have a female nominated to run for president of the US. You'd be excited and proud. 

One day

But will never be the same

Yet you're not

https://www.bonesigharts.com/

6 months

Today. 

Half a year without you. 

Still shattered. 

Love and miss you, Kiki. 

You would want me to

Landscape of the heart

courtesy of StoryPeople

Memorial from Marci and Cheryl

Dear Kyah:

Shortly after your death - later that day on the 13th I believe - your friends Marci and Cheryl left this memorial out by the trailer.

The candles and panda sat on stage at your funeral and the panda came home with me since we didn't know who had left it. 

Later, I spoke with Cheryl and they wanted it at your grave site. When I was in Kearney the first weekend in June, I tried to reach them with no luck. So I put it out there for them (see previous post).

Gravesite

5 months

How is it possible that it's only been 5 months?  It seems like a lifetime ago. At the same time, it feels like yesterday. Death of a loved one fractures the idea of time and everything changes. The only timeframe that does make sense is the "before" and the "after". 

I will miss you forever. Forever: that's another timeframe that exists. 

Lost Boy by Ruth B

Dear Kyah:

I think you would have loved this song.

[Intro]
There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

[Verse 1]
Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, "Peter Pan—that's what they call me.
I promise that you'll never be lonely."
And ever since that day...

[Chorus]
I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me.
Away from all of reality

[2x]
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

[Verse 2]
He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
To your beautiful destiny
As we soared above the town that never loved me
I realized I finally had a family
Soon enough we reached Neverland
Peacefully my feet hit the sand
And ever since that day...

[Chorus]
I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me.
Away from all of reality

[2x]
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

[2x]
Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook
You are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so,
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

And for always I will say...

[Chorus]
I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me.
Away from all of reality

[2x]
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

You love

http://www.storypeople.com/

The Class of 2017

Dear Kyah:

Seeing your friends and classmates post about their summers beginning makes me miss you.  If all had gone as planned, you would officially be a Kearney High School Senior!  There would be arrangements for senior photos to be taken, college visits may have started, plans for your future beyond high school would be in serious focus.  

Remember when we were planning your graduation party?  We both thought it would be fun to do a kindergarten-themed event.  Juice boxes and little containers of milk, chicken nuggets, pudding cups, apple slices and Go-gurt.  I wonder if you still would have thought it would be a good idea.  I wonder what else we would plan?  Of course we would have to out-shine and out-do Zayne's graduation party.  At least a little bit.  

This year is going to be hard.  Three very close people to me will graduate in May, just as you should have. Mac will be in France, Ash at KHS, and Jacinda at Ravenna.  How to I support them and let them know just how proud I am of them and all of their accomplishment and not picture you in a cap and gown?  How am I going to get through that and not dissolve or, at the worst, make the graduate feel terrible for reminding me of what you'll never have?

It's not fair.  You didn't get to do so many things that most of us take for granted.  You deserved to do those things and I really wanted to be a part of them with you.

Floating

New York

If all had gone better for you before your death, you would be in New York City with your band mates. I wish you could have gone and more than just because it would mean you were still here. Chicago opened up your eyes and California gave you a desire to see other places and experience new things. Although I've never been there, I think NYC would have blown your mind in the best way imaginable. 

October 8, 2005

The day we held our spiritual ceremony and became a family was on Saturday, October 8, 2005. Although the kids' father and I are no longer together, the family that was created, at least in part, remained. I became divorced from my husband but my vow to his children remained. And, to this day, we are a family:  me, Zayne and Kyah. 

Stages of grief

You are missing from my world

Before we met

The secret to letting go

From elephant journal, article by Kimby Maxsom

---

We all have a past—each and every one of us—and it’s likely that it’s a past filled with more than just rainbows and buttercups.

Even those among us who live full and joyous lives and are genuinely happy still have pain and loss in our past. We have all lost something that matters deeply to us: a home, a friend, a family member, a lover, a job, a pet, an opportunity, our health, a dream, an idea of how our life and future should or could be.

Maybe as children we were abused or neglected by people we trusted. Maybe we were hurt in different ways when were were all grown up. Maybe it was us who did the hurting. Maybe we lied. Maybe we were lied to. Maybe we watched a loved one die. Maybe we never got to say goodbye. Maybe we let the love of our life slip through our fingers. Maybe we made horrible choices. Maybe we were victims of circumstances. Maybe we drank too much or gambled too much or worked too much or took too much or gave too much. Maybe we talked when we should have listened or gave up when we should have pressed on. Maybe we let someone down or or had unrealistic expectations or refused to forgive.

Maybe…Maybe…Maybe…the list goes on and on.

As sure as the night is dark, every single one of us have a few skeletons hanging around in a closet somewhere.

The things we don’t talk about. The things we try to forget. The things we could have said. The vows we should have kept. The photos or letters buried under the bed. The secrets, the memories, the triggers. The ghosts that keep us awake at night, refusing to be forgotten.

There are people so damaged by lost love that they never love again. There are people so afraid of being abandoned that they have great difficulty forging bonds of any kind, or are terrified of being alone. There are those who were silenced and find it difficult to speak, people afraid to try new things or share their ideas because they were made to feel stupid, and some of us who have been betrayed find trust nearly impossible.

We read articles and books and watch TV shows and TED talks and listen to podcasts and talk to therapist; we go to meetings, confession or yoga and everyone everywhere tells us the same thing: Let go of the past.

How many times have we heard from a well meaning friend to “just let that go?” How many times have we said it? We can even buy edgy work out tank tops that say “Let that sh*t go.”

There’s a lot of pressure to be fully present, to find peace, to let the past go—but how?

How do we leave the past in the past? How do we move on? How do we let go?

If you ask a thousand people, you’ll get a thousand different bits of advice: pray, meditate, ride a motorcycle, walk in nature, talk about it, ignore it, write a letter, write a poem, take up jogging, hike at sunrise, sing, shout, howl, cut your hair, eat this but not that before bed, move, paint your walls, forget you ever met him, tell her you’re sorry, take this pill, drink this tincture, burn his pictures, erase her phone number, find a new lover, join a group, take up a hobby, ask forgiveness, donate money, change this and process that and do these eight steps or these twelve…

There are countless ways to try to let go, but do they work? If you close the door or take down pictures, does the pain go away? If you never talk to her again does the sadness just disappear? Did those six self-help books on grief stop the heartache on the anniversary of his death?

So how do we do it? How do we let go?

The secret is, we don’t. We don’t let go. We loosen our grip. That is all.

We accept that every experience that we have ever had and everything that we have ever done or that has been done to us and every person we have ever known, every place we have ever been, every decision we’ve ever made and every thought we have ever had is part of who we are, and whether we understand it or not they all serve a purpose.

So we don’t force it. We don’t insist on letting go. We don’t forget the past. We don’t silence the ghosts.

We acknowledge and honor everything that is our past, we forgive ourselves and others, we take a deep breath and we slowly, simply, loosen our grip, finger by finger, thought by thought and what’s meant to slip away will, the rest we embrace.

---

Sucks

Dear Kyah:

Life fucking sucks without you. It's like I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do. I miss you so much it physically hurts at times. My love for you knows no bounds but I would give anything to have you here again. 

Mother's Day

Today was the first Mother's Day since you've been gone. It was also my birthday. It was hard celebrating both without your input. I know I would have received a text and possibly a phone call.

You would have let me know you were thinking of me and that I'm your parent and you are my daughter.  And you would have told me you love me. 

I love and miss you, Kyah. 

Dreams

Dear Kyah:

You've been in my dreams a lot lately. It's never you as I last knew you, but a younger version. 

In one dream, you had a stomach ache and didn't feel well. I remember holding you and rocking you while patting your back in an attempt to soothe you. You were maybe 4 years old. It worked and you fell asleep. Looking down at your angelic face brought me to tears of joy and love. 

The other dream you were probably closer to 7 or so and you were just having a rough time with something but I didn't know what. We went for a walk to a playground and we swung as high as we could on the swings. We didn't talk but did begin laughing as we continued swinging. You felt better and as we walked home, you held my hand.  I truly felt the mother-daughter bond with you. 

Neither of these are memories but they felt so familiar like I was remembering something. Is that you trying to get my attention? Is it you, or someone else, trying to give me comfort?  

Big fluffy

I don't remember when I started calling the super soft and fluffy blankets we so loved the "big fluffy" but it stuck. The two of us had matching big fluffies - blue for you, purple for me - and you never traveled without it. 

Do you have a big fluffy wherever you are now?  In a panic, did you take it with you that night you left your room trying to get to safety?  

I cannot help but think of you whenever I cuddle up with my big fluffy. 

Miss you, Kiki. 

Family sound

Ka-ka-KAW!!!

Please answer me. 

Please. 

Rachel's mom

rachel's mom

she closed her eyes,

her tears washing her cheeks.

holding the image of the stars in her mind,

she held her daughter close

and loved her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

Sad

I love you, little one.  It's been a long and rough day. Miss you so much and it seems like I'm getting triggers and reminders of you at every turn. They make me smile but also tear up or even cry. It's so hard not having you in this world. It's not right. Lyttmab 

Every. Single. Day.

Dear Kyah:

Rough week

It's been a rougher week than normal and I couldn't figure out why. And then, because I still forget that she's gone, I realized I need to make a trip to Kearney to see the kids.  Since they came into my life, I haven't gone for more than three months without seeing them.  It used to be every ten days or so but then their dad and I divorced.

Anyway, it's been 111 days since I've last seen Kyah.

And it hit me that I'll never see her as she was in this lifetime.  I will never get to see her eyes get that mischievous glint.  I will never get to feel that instant contentment when we would hug each other.  I will never smell her unique scent.  I'll only hear her voice through a device (I have a voicemail and very few videos).

There are times when the memories just aren't enough to get me through the pain of losing her.  I try to remember the good times and all we were able to share but that gets overshadowed by all the things we won't get to have.  That is perhaps the hardest thing...the things she didn't get to experience.  The things a parent should get to experience with their daughter.

Dickfingers

Dear Kyah:

Dickfingers. 

Tribute

On Kyah's 17th birthday - March 17, 2016 - I got a tattoo to honor her and pay tribute to her life.  Within hours of learning of her passing, I knew I would be getting a turtle tattoo with a shamrock to represent her always being with me and making her truly a part of me.  I love my tattoo and it is so fitting for Kyah.

Grief

Time makes no sense anymore

Eleven weeks and 50 minutes ago, I had my last contact with you via text message on Tuesday, January 12, 2016 at 8:29 pm. 

Eleven weeks, two days, one hour, and twenty-eight minutes ago, I had my last phone conversation with you on Sunday, January 10, 2016 at 8:11 pm. 

It was the last time I heard your voice. 

It was the last time you told me you loved me. 

It was the last time I told you I loved you. 

Eleven weeks seems like forever and it feels like that most days. Other days, I feel like hardly any time has passed and that eleven weeks really isn't that long. 

Eleven weeks and roughly two hours ago, you took your last breath and my world became smaller and darker. 

Ten weeks ago, life was okay. 

I miss you constantly. 

This seems fitting:

Silliness

Together forever

Although they weren't together when they took their last breaths, they were peacefully asleep with each other when the fire started.

Kyah and Oz...you are so missed. 

Carol's light

From Bone Sigh Arts:

carol's light

tears flowing,

face scrunched in pain,

i ask out loud 'what would she say now?'

the answer whispers inside me,

'i haven't left you. 

i'm in your heart.

feel me loving you.

that hasn't stopped.

listen for me when you need me -

and remember

i am part of you.'

placing my hand on my heart,

i closed my eyes

and felt her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

Prom

Dear Kyah:

Today was your junior prom.  I wonder if you would have gone.  Would you have had a date?  Would you have gone with a group of friends?  What would you wear?

Maybe you would have said "screw the prom" and rebelled against the idea and hung out with friends.  Maybe you would have been sad because you didn't have a date and felt like you couldn't go.  Maybe you would have had an amazing date that you'd started seeing in January.

I hate the maybe.

If you were to have gone, I imagine your hair would have been a jumble of curls and a little poofy but still soft and flattering.  Your dress would have been that shade of purple-blue that you loved but could never quite find.  It would be shorter and a halter top-style.  You'd wear some cute strappy shoes but bring flip flops that would see much more wear than the shoes.  You'd have the time of your life and create a dozen or more new memories and inside jokes.

I'd take pictures and find myself cherishing one of you laughing at something silly I'd said just to get you to smile.  You'd look, in the picture, dorky and awkward but totally you.  You'd regain your composure and actually see how beautiful you look and, for a moment, you'd be speechless.  I'd tear up and you'd laugh again.

Happy prom, baby girl.