Rough week

It's been a rougher week than normal and I couldn't figure out why. And then, because I still forget that she's gone, I realized I need to make a trip to Kearney to see the kids.  Since they came into my life, I haven't gone for more than three months without seeing them.  It used to be every ten days or so but then their dad and I divorced.

Anyway, it's been 111 days since I've last seen Kyah.

And it hit me that I'll never see her as she was in this lifetime.  I will never get to see her eyes get that mischievous glint.  I will never get to feel that instant contentment when we would hug each other.  I will never smell her unique scent.  I'll only hear her voice through a device (I have a voicemail and very few videos).

There are times when the memories just aren't enough to get me through the pain of losing her.  I try to remember the good times and all we were able to share but that gets overshadowed by all the things we won't get to have.  That is perhaps the hardest thing...the things she didn't get to experience.  The things a parent should get to experience with their daughter.