Thursday, October 27, 2016
Saturday, October 22, 2016
I just miss you
From Still Standing magazine, article by Jessi Snapp:
I just miss you. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that – I just miss you. What I wouldn’t give for one more moment. One more moment to hold you. To look into your eyes and tell you how much you are loved.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to the moment where I last held you. Where I was able to kiss you and where I was forced to say goodbye. Because I would relive all the pain of what came after – for just one more moment with you. I would hold you close to my warm skin, with my arms wrapped tightly around you and I would breathe you in. I would soak in that moment all over again, even knowing it would be our last.
What I wouldn’t give to have a second chance. A chance to do things differently even though I know those things couldn’t change the outcome. But I’d do them anyway because I would do anything to try. There are a thousand different versions of how our story could have played out – and this version is the one I didn’t expect. I cannot undo what has already been done – but what I wouldn’t give to try just one more time.
I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so irrevocably. I never knew how deep and wide love could flood into my life. I never knew how precious this life was until I met you. I never knew just how much love could hurt until you left. And I never had a clue that the cause of insuperable pain could be narrowed down into four little words – I just miss you.
Your absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood, it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of your absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. It has cracked my heart wide open and my heart has bled with nothing but undying love. And it left me fighting to survive it all. But I would do it all over again.
Because our love is so much more than a flood of your absence. Our love is like a lighting that rushes through me. It has illuminated the darkest parts of me. It ignites my soul and has thundered through my life – pushing me to live a life full of you. For you. Because of you. You – the one who has changed me. The one who has taught me so much about this life and my ability to love with every cell in my body.
For you – I keep breathing, I keep fighting, I keep living. For you – I love more deeply and laugh more freely. For you- I cherish this one life I’ve been given. No matter the amount of pain and heartbreak. For you – because you exist in every corner of my soul. And your name has transcended from the title you were given while you were still here and into a feeling that describes your absence. Because on the days where I just miss you all I can do is utter your name. And when someone asks me what weighs heavy on my heart yours is the name that flows out. Nothing more is needed to describe what it is I am feeling because you are that feeling. The feeling of missing you, loving you, longing for you, and all the feelings in between. You are the reason they are there and you are the reason I feel them so profoundly.
I never wanted any of this. No one ever wants this. But I wanted you. And sometimes no matter how much we want – it isn’t enough to stop the waters from rising and the flood from sweeping into our lives.
So much time has passed and still some days there is a heaviness that weighs me down. I keep searching for the words to explain where it comes from or why it’s there. It feels so complicated yet the only words I can muster are – “I just miss you.” I miss you more than words can say and emotion can express. Everything I do has been washed by the waters of your absence. Even my heart beats to a steady rhythm of you and its echo rings through the space where you used to be. I have never known so much love, so much joy, and so much heartbreak, until you. And some days the only explanation for the suffocating pain that still lingers on is…
I just miss you.
I just miss you. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart. It is as simple and yet as complicated as that – I just miss you. What I wouldn’t give for one more moment. One more moment to hold you. To look into your eyes and tell you how much you are loved.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to the moment where I last held you. Where I was able to kiss you and where I was forced to say goodbye. Because I would relive all the pain of what came after – for just one more moment with you. I would hold you close to my warm skin, with my arms wrapped tightly around you and I would breathe you in. I would soak in that moment all over again, even knowing it would be our last.
What I wouldn’t give to have a second chance. A chance to do things differently even though I know those things couldn’t change the outcome. But I’d do them anyway because I would do anything to try. There are a thousand different versions of how our story could have played out – and this version is the one I didn’t expect. I cannot undo what has already been done – but what I wouldn’t give to try just one more time.
I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly. I never knew that missing someone would change me so irrevocably. I never knew how deep and wide love could flood into my life. I never knew how precious this life was until I met you. I never knew just how much love could hurt until you left. And I never had a clue that the cause of insuperable pain could be narrowed down into four little words – I just miss you.
Your absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood, it has left cracks in my foundation. The flood of your absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. It has cracked my heart wide open and my heart has bled with nothing but undying love. And it left me fighting to survive it all. But I would do it all over again.
Because our love is so much more than a flood of your absence. Our love is like a lighting that rushes through me. It has illuminated the darkest parts of me. It ignites my soul and has thundered through my life – pushing me to live a life full of you. For you. Because of you. You – the one who has changed me. The one who has taught me so much about this life and my ability to love with every cell in my body.
For you – I keep breathing, I keep fighting, I keep living. For you – I love more deeply and laugh more freely. For you- I cherish this one life I’ve been given. No matter the amount of pain and heartbreak. For you – because you exist in every corner of my soul. And your name has transcended from the title you were given while you were still here and into a feeling that describes your absence. Because on the days where I just miss you all I can do is utter your name. And when someone asks me what weighs heavy on my heart yours is the name that flows out. Nothing more is needed to describe what it is I am feeling because you are that feeling. The feeling of missing you, loving you, longing for you, and all the feelings in between. You are the reason they are there and you are the reason I feel them so profoundly.
I never wanted any of this. No one ever wants this. But I wanted you. And sometimes no matter how much we want – it isn’t enough to stop the waters from rising and the flood from sweeping into our lives.
So much time has passed and still some days there is a heaviness that weighs me down. I keep searching for the words to explain where it comes from or why it’s there. It feels so complicated yet the only words I can muster are – “I just miss you.” I miss you more than words can say and emotion can express. Everything I do has been washed by the waters of your absence. Even my heart beats to a steady rhythm of you and its echo rings through the space where you used to be. I have never known so much love, so much joy, and so much heartbreak, until you. And some days the only explanation for the suffocating pain that still lingers on is…
I just miss you.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Celebration of Life, part 2
We displayed this at the celebration:
 |
| Memorial display |
 |
| The labyrinth |
We don't know where this bracelet came from and all of us swear it was not on the bench earlier but it was there at the end. It reminds me of something you made when you were little. Hell, I could imagine you wearing it shortly prior to your death. To me, and to most there who saw it, we felt it was you. Zayne has the bracelet now.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Celebration of Life
Hey, little one...it's been a while. Things are crazy here and very up and down. I'm sorry I haven't written sooner.
Sunday, September 25, Zayne and I hosted a Celebration of your Life. We held it at the labyrinth at Yanney Park. Had a good turnout: me, Zayne, Lori, Jacinda, Pixie, Kathey, Alex, Trav, Sam (Trav's woman), your dad, Tamara, my mom, my step dad, Daniel, Cora, Pepper, your mom (!! at a pagan ritual !!), and Mac was there via Skype or something on Zayne's phone and talking through Cora.
I think it did some good for my soul as well as Zayne's.
(There's something I really, really want to bitch about but won't. I know you are around us all the time so I'm pretty sure you already know about it.)
Here's the ceremony:
WELCOME
We want to welcome all of you to the celebration of Kyah’s life. The autumn equinox has come and gone and with it, a time of balance and the start of letting go. Letting go can mean so many things and we aren’t asking anyone to let go of Kyah. We want each of you to hold her within your heart and mind, remembering those moments you spent with her. But we do want to let go of the tragedy of her passing…not only the manner of her death but the fact that her life was over much too soon. By doing that, we focus on her life and the years she spent here with us.
SHARING OF WORDS FROM SHANDA AND ZAYNE
Shanda
Zayne
BLESSING
Dear Universe,
Please enlighten what is dark in me,
Strengthen what is weak in me,
Mend what is broken in me,
Bind what is bruised in me,
Heal what is sick in me,
And lastly, revive whatever peace and love I’ve lost along the way.
Blessed Be.
OPEN SHARING
At this time we wanted to encourage others to share their thoughts and/or memories of Kyah.
(My mom shared a memory of you selecting the pixie dust necklace among other options of precious gems, Daniel brought up overhearing your wicked sense of humor while playing Cards Against Humanity, your dad chimed in on that too, Lori talked about how you always laughed and smiled through the pain, Cora mentioned the time you mocked her when she was applying white makeup and it being totally unnecessary, Mac added the New Year's Eve she spent with us, the One Direction toothbrush, and staying up all night watching movies.)
ABOUT THE LABYRINTH
As a family, we would walk the labyrinth and even held a group ritual here. It became a special place for us, one that offered comfort and healing and promoted peace of mind and heart. It is fitting that we now encourage everyone to experience the labyrinth in their own way.
The labyrinth is an ancient prayer tool used by those on a spiritual journey. It is one used by those on all religious paths. It invites you into a place of rest and wholeness, but along the way you encounter changes of direction.
At times it seems you are near your goal and a turn takes you to the outside edge again. At other times you may be near the edge and find yourself quickly at the center. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.
On the way to the center, we often focus on letting go of worries and all that takes space in our hearts and minds that isn’t for the greatest good of ourselves and others. At the center, the heart is open. We often used the center to let go of that which does not serve us. And we leave it there.
On the way out, we shift focus and pull those dear and precious moments to ourselves. We feel lighter having let go of that which may weigh us down. As you move further from the center, back towards the beginning, only let the positive thoughts come to you. Let yourself be empowered and fortified by them. Notice your breathing, notice the rhythm. Can you hear and/or feel your heart beating? It’s a beautiful cadence.
Take as long as you’d like to walk the labyrinth. Walk at your own speed and make the most of your experience. When you reach the center, stay as long as you’d like. You can then exit the labyrinth by retracing your steps or simply walking out towards the entrance. Please be mindful of others and their experience.
MUSIC AND WALK THE LABYRINTH
TOKENS
It was important to us to give something back to those of you who played a role in Kyah’s life.
• The blue bag, the color of water, is for the true Pisces and water baby that Kyah was.
• The penny is for luck and memories since Kyah truly cherished both, and pennies represented so much to her.
• Hematite is for grounding and healing and was one of her favorite stones since it could heal itself.
• Music note is for joy and happiness. Music was one of Kyah’s greatest loves and she enjoyed playing it and listening to it.
• Two turtles so neither is ever alone and to remind us to take it slow and that we are all connected to everything.
• Heart for what Kyah cherished most – the love she had for her family and her friends.
CLOSING BLESSING AND FAREWELL
May the Positive Energy of the Universe surround you, flow through you, bring peace to your mind, love to your heart, calm to your spirit. Blessed Be.
Thank you for being here and celebrating Kyah’s life. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.
Sunday, September 25, Zayne and I hosted a Celebration of your Life. We held it at the labyrinth at Yanney Park. Had a good turnout: me, Zayne, Lori, Jacinda, Pixie, Kathey, Alex, Trav, Sam (Trav's woman), your dad, Tamara, my mom, my step dad, Daniel, Cora, Pepper, your mom (!! at a pagan ritual !!), and Mac was there via Skype or something on Zayne's phone and talking through Cora.
I think it did some good for my soul as well as Zayne's.
(There's something I really, really want to bitch about but won't. I know you are around us all the time so I'm pretty sure you already know about it.)
Here's the ceremony:
Celebrating the Life of Kyah Nicole Kinkade
WELCOME
We want to welcome all of you to the celebration of Kyah’s life. The autumn equinox has come and gone and with it, a time of balance and the start of letting go. Letting go can mean so many things and we aren’t asking anyone to let go of Kyah. We want each of you to hold her within your heart and mind, remembering those moments you spent with her. But we do want to let go of the tragedy of her passing…not only the manner of her death but the fact that her life was over much too soon. By doing that, we focus on her life and the years she spent here with us.
SHARING OF WORDS FROM SHANDA AND ZAYNE
Shanda
Zayne
BLESSING
Dear Universe,
Please enlighten what is dark in me,
Strengthen what is weak in me,
Mend what is broken in me,
Bind what is bruised in me,
Heal what is sick in me,
And lastly, revive whatever peace and love I’ve lost along the way.
Blessed Be.
OPEN SHARING
At this time we wanted to encourage others to share their thoughts and/or memories of Kyah.
(My mom shared a memory of you selecting the pixie dust necklace among other options of precious gems, Daniel brought up overhearing your wicked sense of humor while playing Cards Against Humanity, your dad chimed in on that too, Lori talked about how you always laughed and smiled through the pain, Cora mentioned the time you mocked her when she was applying white makeup and it being totally unnecessary, Mac added the New Year's Eve she spent with us, the One Direction toothbrush, and staying up all night watching movies.)
ABOUT THE LABYRINTH
As a family, we would walk the labyrinth and even held a group ritual here. It became a special place for us, one that offered comfort and healing and promoted peace of mind and heart. It is fitting that we now encourage everyone to experience the labyrinth in their own way.
The labyrinth is an ancient prayer tool used by those on a spiritual journey. It is one used by those on all religious paths. It invites you into a place of rest and wholeness, but along the way you encounter changes of direction.
At times it seems you are near your goal and a turn takes you to the outside edge again. At other times you may be near the edge and find yourself quickly at the center. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.
On the way to the center, we often focus on letting go of worries and all that takes space in our hearts and minds that isn’t for the greatest good of ourselves and others. At the center, the heart is open. We often used the center to let go of that which does not serve us. And we leave it there.
On the way out, we shift focus and pull those dear and precious moments to ourselves. We feel lighter having let go of that which may weigh us down. As you move further from the center, back towards the beginning, only let the positive thoughts come to you. Let yourself be empowered and fortified by them. Notice your breathing, notice the rhythm. Can you hear and/or feel your heart beating? It’s a beautiful cadence.
Take as long as you’d like to walk the labyrinth. Walk at your own speed and make the most of your experience. When you reach the center, stay as long as you’d like. You can then exit the labyrinth by retracing your steps or simply walking out towards the entrance. Please be mindful of others and their experience.
MUSIC AND WALK THE LABYRINTH
TOKENS
It was important to us to give something back to those of you who played a role in Kyah’s life.
• The blue bag, the color of water, is for the true Pisces and water baby that Kyah was.
• The penny is for luck and memories since Kyah truly cherished both, and pennies represented so much to her.
• Hematite is for grounding and healing and was one of her favorite stones since it could heal itself.
• Music note is for joy and happiness. Music was one of Kyah’s greatest loves and she enjoyed playing it and listening to it.
• Two turtles so neither is ever alone and to remind us to take it slow and that we are all connected to everything.
• Heart for what Kyah cherished most – the love she had for her family and her friends.
CLOSING BLESSING AND FAREWELL
May the Positive Energy of the Universe surround you, flow through you, bring peace to your mind, love to your heart, calm to your spirit. Blessed Be.
Thank you for being here and celebrating Kyah’s life. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.
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