Big fluffy

I don't remember when I started calling the super soft and fluffy blankets we so loved the "big fluffy" but it stuck. The two of us had matching big fluffies - blue for you, purple for me - and you never traveled without it. 

Do you have a big fluffy wherever you are now?  In a panic, did you take it with you that night you left your room trying to get to safety?  

I cannot help but think of you whenever I cuddle up with my big fluffy. 

Miss you, Kiki. 

Family sound

Ka-ka-KAW!!!

Please answer me. 

Please. 

Rachel's mom

rachel's mom

she closed her eyes,

her tears washing her cheeks.

holding the image of the stars in her mind,

she held her daughter close

and loved her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

Sad

I love you, little one.  It's been a long and rough day. Miss you so much and it seems like I'm getting triggers and reminders of you at every turn. They make me smile but also tear up or even cry. It's so hard not having you in this world. It's not right. Lyttmab 

Every. Single. Day.

Dear Kyah:

Rough week

It's been a rougher week than normal and I couldn't figure out why. And then, because I still forget that she's gone, I realized I need to make a trip to Kearney to see the kids.  Since they came into my life, I haven't gone for more than three months without seeing them.  It used to be every ten days or so but then their dad and I divorced.

Anyway, it's been 111 days since I've last seen Kyah.

And it hit me that I'll never see her as she was in this lifetime.  I will never get to see her eyes get that mischievous glint.  I will never get to feel that instant contentment when we would hug each other.  I will never smell her unique scent.  I'll only hear her voice through a device (I have a voicemail and very few videos).

There are times when the memories just aren't enough to get me through the pain of losing her.  I try to remember the good times and all we were able to share but that gets overshadowed by all the things we won't get to have.  That is perhaps the hardest thing...the things she didn't get to experience.  The things a parent should get to experience with their daughter.

Dickfingers

Dear Kyah:

Dickfingers. 

Tribute

On Kyah's 17th birthday - March 17, 2016 - I got a tattoo to honor her and pay tribute to her life.  Within hours of learning of her passing, I knew I would be getting a turtle tattoo with a shamrock to represent her always being with me and making her truly a part of me.  I love my tattoo and it is so fitting for Kyah.

Grief