Time makes no sense anymore

Eleven weeks and 50 minutes ago, I had my last contact with you via text message on Tuesday, January 12, 2016 at 8:29 pm. 

Eleven weeks, two days, one hour, and twenty-eight minutes ago, I had my last phone conversation with you on Sunday, January 10, 2016 at 8:11 pm. 

It was the last time I heard your voice. 

It was the last time you told me you loved me. 

It was the last time I told you I loved you. 

Eleven weeks seems like forever and it feels like that most days. Other days, I feel like hardly any time has passed and that eleven weeks really isn't that long. 

Eleven weeks and roughly two hours ago, you took your last breath and my world became smaller and darker. 

Ten weeks ago, life was okay. 

I miss you constantly. 

This seems fitting:

Silliness

Together forever

Although they weren't together when they took their last breaths, they were peacefully asleep with each other when the fire started.

Kyah and Oz...you are so missed. 

Carol's light

From Bone Sigh Arts:

carol's light

tears flowing,

face scrunched in pain,

i ask out loud 'what would she say now?'

the answer whispers inside me,

'i haven't left you. 

i'm in your heart.

feel me loving you.

that hasn't stopped.

listen for me when you need me -

and remember

i am part of you.'

placing my hand on my heart,

i closed my eyes

and felt her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

Prom

Dear Kyah:

Today was your junior prom.  I wonder if you would have gone.  Would you have had a date?  Would you have gone with a group of friends?  What would you wear?

Maybe you would have said "screw the prom" and rebelled against the idea and hung out with friends.  Maybe you would have been sad because you didn't have a date and felt like you couldn't go.  Maybe you would have had an amazing date that you'd started seeing in January.

I hate the maybe.

If you were to have gone, I imagine your hair would have been a jumble of curls and a little poofy but still soft and flattering.  Your dress would have been that shade of purple-blue that you loved but could never quite find.  It would be shorter and a halter top-style.  You'd wear some cute strappy shoes but bring flip flops that would see much more wear than the shoes.  You'd have the time of your life and create a dozen or more new memories and inside jokes.

I'd take pictures and find myself cherishing one of you laughing at something silly I'd said just to get you to smile.  You'd look, in the picture, dorky and awkward but totally you.  You'd regain your composure and actually see how beautiful you look and, for a moment, you'd be speechless.  I'd tear up and you'd laugh again.

Happy prom, baby girl.

Kiss

I kiss your head.

The boy child

(The boy child isn't really a child anymore but he'll always be my child so he's stuck with that, among other, nicknames.)

With today being Kyah's birthday, I was preparing for an emotional day. It hasn't been too bad. A little melancholy but I've found that my thoughts are more on Zayne. 

He's in Ireland and without his usual support system at his easy disposal. He's also grieving the loss of his sister in such a different, but totally Zayne, way. We've messaged a few times and I feel like he's in good hands and doing as well as can be expected. 

I've always had a good relationship with the kids. I've been a lucky stepmom in that regard. Over the years, our relationships have evolved and we've all grown and chanced but our relationships with each other has always been strong. 

In the past several years, I've grown closer to Kyah and felt a separation between myself and Zayne. I have chooses to chalk that up to the fact that he's a boy, and is currently 20, and in college. He's figuring out his personal identity and that has to be established outside of the family dynamic and the parent-child relationship. 

Kyah's death hasn't changed that or the dynamics in our relationship all that much except I find that I have a greater need to touch base with him more often and have him respond. He's all I've got left of my little family of three (me, Zayne, and Kyah)  that used to be a family of four (including the kids' father). He is, without a doubt, my priority. 

So as we mourn the first holiday since Kyah's passing, I focus on my son and his well-being. Today will always, to me, be Kyah's birthday and deserving of honor and remembrance. She's earned that. But those of us still in this life have to take care of each other as well. 

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, Kyah. You would have been awesome at 17. I love you and miss you.

Home

Dear Kyah:

For the longest time, I considered your father to be my home. It didn't matter where I was physically as long as he was there. In time, my home became the three of you - you, your brother, and your father. 

I'm not sure when it changed to home being just you and Zayne, but it did. I'm ashamed to admit it might have been before your father and I started having problems. 

You and Zayne are my home. 

But you're no longer here and my home is broken...again. Zayne is my home now. And we are rebuilding but it's never going to be the same without you. 

I love you and I miss you oh so very much. 

Baby panther and jaguar

You loved animals, all animals.  You had some favorites and were slowly, to my dismay, becoming a cat person.  Here's two cuties that would certainly make you squee.

Laugh

I know these would make you giggle. Wish I could hear that beautiful sound again

Always and forever

Shakes

Dear Kyah:

Sonic has started their 1/2 price shakes after 8:00 pm. I remember when we vowed to try all the flavors but never completed that silly goal. I think it was because we fell in love with a certain flavor and it no longer mattered. 

Every time the commercial comes on, I smile and think of you.