One year

Dear Kyah:

In a little under an hour, it will be the one year anniversary of your death.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been a full year without you in this world.  At the same time, it's been forever since you were here.  I miss you with all of my being.  There is so much I wish I could say to you, so much I wish I would have said.

One thing for sure, I'd tell you I love you at every possible chance and show you even more.  I know you knew I loved you but I don't know if you knew just how much.  I cannot put it into words now, and it's not that it matters anyway, but I truly did, and do, love you to the moon and back.

The world is strange without you.  It will never be the same but we are all doing our best to move on and get used to this new normal.  I'd give virtually anything to have you back but I know that's not an option.  So I do my best to move forward, moment by moment.  Some days are easier than others and some days are totally unbearable.  But I keep going.  I know it's what you'd want me to do.

Love you, Kyah.  I always have and I always will.  To the moon and back.  Miss you, girl child.

Last talk

Dear Kyah:

One year ago today, at 8:11 pm, I talked to you for the very last time.  You were responding to my numerous calls, texts, emails, and messages expressing my concern over what was going on with you.  You had missed school and I couldn't get in touch with you.  I refused to call your father and Zayne had no clue.  I was worried and could only think of the worst - that you were back in Richard Young after another attempt on your life.

Our conversation was short so I, of course, now wish we'd spoken longer.  Did I tell you I love you?  I usually did but I cannot remember.

It's strange, all these firsts and lasts.  The last time I talked to you, the first Christmas without you.  We are coming up on the big first/last...the last day of your life and the first anniversary of your death.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.  I know I'll cry some but have no clue if I'll be a total wreck or mostly composed.

They say it gets easier with time, and they are right.  But because it gets easier, it becomes harder, partially because you feel bad that it's getting easier.

I still miss you and will for the rest of my life.  I love you, and that is also something that will continue forever.

The Class of 2017

Dear Kyah:

Seeing your friends and classmates post about their summers beginning makes me miss you.  If all had gone as planned, you would officially be a Kearney High School Senior!  There would be arrangements for senior photos to be taken, college visits may have started, plans for your future beyond high school would be in serious focus.  

Remember when we were planning your graduation party?  We both thought it would be fun to do a kindergarten-themed event.  Juice boxes and little containers of milk, chicken nuggets, pudding cups, apple slices and Go-gurt.  I wonder if you still would have thought it would be a good idea.  I wonder what else we would plan?  Of course we would have to out-shine and out-do Zayne's graduation party.  At least a little bit.  

This year is going to be hard.  Three very close people to me will graduate in May, just as you should have. Mac will be in France, Ash at KHS, and Jacinda at Ravenna.  How to I support them and let them know just how proud I am of them and all of their accomplishment and not picture you in a cap and gown?  How am I going to get through that and not dissolve or, at the worst, make the graduate feel terrible for reminding me of what you'll never have?

It's not fair.  You didn't get to do so many things that most of us take for granted.  You deserved to do those things and I really wanted to be a part of them with you.

Sucks

Dear Kyah:

Life fucking sucks without you. It's like I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do. I miss you so much it physically hurts at times. My love for you knows no bounds but I would give anything to have you here again. 

Dreams

Dear Kyah:

You've been in my dreams a lot lately. It's never you as I last knew you, but a younger version. 

In one dream, you had a stomach ache and didn't feel well. I remember holding you and rocking you while patting your back in an attempt to soothe you. You were maybe 4 years old. It worked and you fell asleep. Looking down at your angelic face brought me to tears of joy and love. 

The other dream you were probably closer to 7 or so and you were just having a rough time with something but I didn't know what. We went for a walk to a playground and we swung as high as we could on the swings. We didn't talk but did begin laughing as we continued swinging. You felt better and as we walked home, you held my hand.  I truly felt the mother-daughter bond with you. 

Neither of these are memories but they felt so familiar like I was remembering something. Is that you trying to get my attention? Is it you, or someone else, trying to give me comfort?  

Every. Single. Day.

Dear Kyah:

Dickfingers

Dear Kyah:

Dickfingers. 

Prom

Dear Kyah:

Today was your junior prom.  I wonder if you would have gone.  Would you have had a date?  Would you have gone with a group of friends?  What would you wear?

Maybe you would have said "screw the prom" and rebelled against the idea and hung out with friends.  Maybe you would have been sad because you didn't have a date and felt like you couldn't go.  Maybe you would have had an amazing date that you'd started seeing in January.

I hate the maybe.

If you were to have gone, I imagine your hair would have been a jumble of curls and a little poofy but still soft and flattering.  Your dress would have been that shade of purple-blue that you loved but could never quite find.  It would be shorter and a halter top-style.  You'd wear some cute strappy shoes but bring flip flops that would see much more wear than the shoes.  You'd have the time of your life and create a dozen or more new memories and inside jokes.

I'd take pictures and find myself cherishing one of you laughing at something silly I'd said just to get you to smile.  You'd look, in the picture, dorky and awkward but totally you.  You'd regain your composure and actually see how beautiful you look and, for a moment, you'd be speechless.  I'd tear up and you'd laugh again.

Happy prom, baby girl.

Home

Dear Kyah:

For the longest time, I considered your father to be my home. It didn't matter where I was physically as long as he was there. In time, my home became the three of you - you, your brother, and your father. 

I'm not sure when it changed to home being just you and Zayne, but it did. I'm ashamed to admit it might have been before your father and I started having problems. 

You and Zayne are my home. 

But you're no longer here and my home is broken...again. Zayne is my home now. And we are rebuilding but it's never going to be the same without you. 

I love you and I miss you oh so very much. 

Always and forever

Shakes

Dear Kyah:

Sonic has started their 1/2 price shakes after 8:00 pm. I remember when we vowed to try all the flavors but never completed that silly goal. I think it was because we fell in love with a certain flavor and it no longer mattered. 

Every time the commercial comes on, I smile and think of you.