One year

Dear Kyah:

In a little under an hour, it will be the one year anniversary of your death.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been a full year without you in this world.  At the same time, it's been forever since you were here.  I miss you with all of my being.  There is so much I wish I could say to you, so much I wish I would have said.

One thing for sure, I'd tell you I love you at every possible chance and show you even more.  I know you knew I loved you but I don't know if you knew just how much.  I cannot put it into words now, and it's not that it matters anyway, but I truly did, and do, love you to the moon and back.

The world is strange without you.  It will never be the same but we are all doing our best to move on and get used to this new normal.  I'd give virtually anything to have you back but I know that's not an option.  So I do my best to move forward, moment by moment.  Some days are easier than others and some days are totally unbearable.  But I keep going.  I know it's what you'd want me to do.

Love you, Kyah.  I always have and I always will.  To the moon and back.  Miss you, girl child.

Last talk

Dear Kyah:

One year ago today, at 8:11 pm, I talked to you for the very last time.  You were responding to my numerous calls, texts, emails, and messages expressing my concern over what was going on with you.  You had missed school and I couldn't get in touch with you.  I refused to call your father and Zayne had no clue.  I was worried and could only think of the worst - that you were back in Richard Young after another attempt on your life.

Our conversation was short so I, of course, now wish we'd spoken longer.  Did I tell you I love you?  I usually did but I cannot remember.

It's strange, all these firsts and lasts.  The last time I talked to you, the first Christmas without you.  We are coming up on the big first/last...the last day of your life and the first anniversary of your death.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.  I know I'll cry some but have no clue if I'll be a total wreck or mostly composed.

They say it gets easier with time, and they are right.  But because it gets easier, it becomes harder, partially because you feel bad that it's getting easier.

I still miss you and will for the rest of my life.  I love you, and that is also something that will continue forever.

Those broken firsts

The last 10 days or so have been rough.  I miss you and struggled through a lot of firsts and were also lasts.  Realizing that the McCaw Christmas was the last time I saw you and trying to smile my way, along with Zayne, through the first one without you.  Hanging your Christmas stocking and knowing that I won't be filling it full of some random gifts and candy but at the same time knowing it just wasn't right to put your's up.

It's just been a really sucky time.  New Year's Eve will be difficult and so will the anniversary of your death, but I have this thought in my head that somehow, some way, once I get past all the firsts that things will get just a little bit easier.  There will be confirmation that I was able to make it through the most difficult year of my life.  You will still be greatly missed during all those special times but I hope it will sting just a little less.  You'll never be forgotten and there will forever be a hole where you should have been.  I just hope it becomes less painful.

I placed a framed photo of you under my Christmas tree.  I've debated getting a special candle to further memorialize you at the holidays but am thinking against that.  Instead, I'm going to do a special candle but to light to stand in as you for those big days.  I'm sure I will forget to light it from time to time and will beat myself up about it but I like the idea.

I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were still here.

The picture under my tree - you in that silly sweater that made you so happy on our last Christmas together.

Hey

Hey little one...it's been a while since I wrote you.  It's not that I'm not thinking of you because not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind.  The holidays are here and everything is getting damn hard and painful again.  I so miss you...your laugh...your smile...your voice...everything.

Thanksgiving was hard.  I didn't think it would hit me so hard but it did.  I predict Christmas will be even worse.

In other news, we have a Oompa Loompa as our president-elect.  Yes, Trump won.  Still cannot believe it.  You would be livid.  I just don't know what the man can do that is positive for our country.  He already appears to bigoted and hateful.  While I hate that you aren't here, I couldn't imagine your free, sassy, spirit thriving under his rule.  I hope I'm overreacting and know that only time will tell.

I'm going to write more.  Hell, if I wrote about you each time I thought about you, this blog would have so many entries.  I love you, Kyah.  To the moon and back.

I'm so sorry

You love

http://www.storypeople.com/

Floating

You are missing from my world

Before we met

Rachel's mom

rachel's mom

she closed her eyes,

her tears washing her cheeks.

holding the image of the stars in her mind,

she held her daughter close

and loved her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

Rough week

It's been a rougher week than normal and I couldn't figure out why. And then, because I still forget that she's gone, I realized I need to make a trip to Kearney to see the kids.  Since they came into my life, I haven't gone for more than three months without seeing them.  It used to be every ten days or so but then their dad and I divorced.

Anyway, it's been 111 days since I've last seen Kyah.

And it hit me that I'll never see her as she was in this lifetime.  I will never get to see her eyes get that mischievous glint.  I will never get to feel that instant contentment when we would hug each other.  I will never smell her unique scent.  I'll only hear her voice through a device (I have a voicemail and very few videos).

There are times when the memories just aren't enough to get me through the pain of losing her.  I try to remember the good times and all we were able to share but that gets overshadowed by all the things we won't get to have.  That is perhaps the hardest thing...the things she didn't get to experience.  The things a parent should get to experience with their daughter.

Grief

Carol's light

From Bone Sigh Arts:

carol's light

tears flowing,

face scrunched in pain,

i ask out loud 'what would she say now?'

the answer whispers inside me,

'i haven't left you. 

i'm in your heart.

feel me loving you.

that hasn't stopped.

listen for me when you need me -

and remember

i am part of you.'

placing my hand on my heart,

i closed my eyes

and felt her.

—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts