The Class of 2017

Dear Kyah:

Seeing your friends and classmates post about their summers beginning makes me miss you.  If all had gone as planned, you would officially be a Kearney High School Senior!  There would be arrangements for senior photos to be taken, college visits may have started, plans for your future beyond high school would be in serious focus.  

Remember when we were planning your graduation party?  We both thought it would be fun to do a kindergarten-themed event.  Juice boxes and little containers of milk, chicken nuggets, pudding cups, apple slices and Go-gurt.  I wonder if you still would have thought it would be a good idea.  I wonder what else we would plan?  Of course we would have to out-shine and out-do Zayne's graduation party.  At least a little bit.  

This year is going to be hard.  Three very close people to me will graduate in May, just as you should have. Mac will be in France, Ash at KHS, and Jacinda at Ravenna.  How to I support them and let them know just how proud I am of them and all of their accomplishment and not picture you in a cap and gown?  How am I going to get through that and not dissolve or, at the worst, make the graduate feel terrible for reminding me of what you'll never have?

It's not fair.  You didn't get to do so many things that most of us take for granted.  You deserved to do those things and I really wanted to be a part of them with you.

Floating

New York

If all had gone better for you before your death, you would be in New York City with your band mates. I wish you could have gone and more than just because it would mean you were still here. Chicago opened up your eyes and California gave you a desire to see other places and experience new things. Although I've never been there, I think NYC would have blown your mind in the best way imaginable. 

October 8, 2005

The day we held our spiritual ceremony and became a family was on Saturday, October 8, 2005. Although the kids' father and I are no longer together, the family that was created, at least in part, remained. I became divorced from my husband but my vow to his children remained. And, to this day, we are a family:  me, Zayne and Kyah. 

Stages of grief

You are missing from my world

Before we met

The secret to letting go

From elephant journal, article by Kimby Maxsom

---

We all have a past—each and every one of us—and it’s likely that it’s a past filled with more than just rainbows and buttercups.

Even those among us who live full and joyous lives and are genuinely happy still have pain and loss in our past. We have all lost something that matters deeply to us: a home, a friend, a family member, a lover, a job, a pet, an opportunity, our health, a dream, an idea of how our life and future should or could be.

Maybe as children we were abused or neglected by people we trusted. Maybe we were hurt in different ways when were were all grown up. Maybe it was us who did the hurting. Maybe we lied. Maybe we were lied to. Maybe we watched a loved one die. Maybe we never got to say goodbye. Maybe we let the love of our life slip through our fingers. Maybe we made horrible choices. Maybe we were victims of circumstances. Maybe we drank too much or gambled too much or worked too much or took too much or gave too much. Maybe we talked when we should have listened or gave up when we should have pressed on. Maybe we let someone down or or had unrealistic expectations or refused to forgive.

Maybe…Maybe…Maybe…the list goes on and on.

As sure as the night is dark, every single one of us have a few skeletons hanging around in a closet somewhere.

The things we don’t talk about. The things we try to forget. The things we could have said. The vows we should have kept. The photos or letters buried under the bed. The secrets, the memories, the triggers. The ghosts that keep us awake at night, refusing to be forgotten.

There are people so damaged by lost love that they never love again. There are people so afraid of being abandoned that they have great difficulty forging bonds of any kind, or are terrified of being alone. There are those who were silenced and find it difficult to speak, people afraid to try new things or share their ideas because they were made to feel stupid, and some of us who have been betrayed find trust nearly impossible.

We read articles and books and watch TV shows and TED talks and listen to podcasts and talk to therapist; we go to meetings, confession or yoga and everyone everywhere tells us the same thing: Let go of the past.

How many times have we heard from a well meaning friend to “just let that go?” How many times have we said it? We can even buy edgy work out tank tops that say “Let that sh*t go.”

There’s a lot of pressure to be fully present, to find peace, to let the past go—but how?

How do we leave the past in the past? How do we move on? How do we let go?

If you ask a thousand people, you’ll get a thousand different bits of advice: pray, meditate, ride a motorcycle, walk in nature, talk about it, ignore it, write a letter, write a poem, take up jogging, hike at sunrise, sing, shout, howl, cut your hair, eat this but not that before bed, move, paint your walls, forget you ever met him, tell her you’re sorry, take this pill, drink this tincture, burn his pictures, erase her phone number, find a new lover, join a group, take up a hobby, ask forgiveness, donate money, change this and process that and do these eight steps or these twelve…

There are countless ways to try to let go, but do they work? If you close the door or take down pictures, does the pain go away? If you never talk to her again does the sadness just disappear? Did those six self-help books on grief stop the heartache on the anniversary of his death?

So how do we do it? How do we let go?

The secret is, we don’t. We don’t let go. We loosen our grip. That is all.

We accept that every experience that we have ever had and everything that we have ever done or that has been done to us and every person we have ever known, every place we have ever been, every decision we’ve ever made and every thought we have ever had is part of who we are, and whether we understand it or not they all serve a purpose.

So we don’t force it. We don’t insist on letting go. We don’t forget the past. We don’t silence the ghosts.

We acknowledge and honor everything that is our past, we forgive ourselves and others, we take a deep breath and we slowly, simply, loosen our grip, finger by finger, thought by thought and what’s meant to slip away will, the rest we embrace.

---

Sucks

Dear Kyah:

Life fucking sucks without you. It's like I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do. I miss you so much it physically hurts at times. My love for you knows no bounds but I would give anything to have you here again. 

Mother's Day

Today was the first Mother's Day since you've been gone. It was also my birthday. It was hard celebrating both without your input. I know I would have received a text and possibly a phone call.

You would have let me know you were thinking of me and that I'm your parent and you are my daughter.  And you would have told me you love me. 

I love and miss you, Kyah. 

Dreams

Dear Kyah:

You've been in my dreams a lot lately. It's never you as I last knew you, but a younger version. 

In one dream, you had a stomach ache and didn't feel well. I remember holding you and rocking you while patting your back in an attempt to soothe you. You were maybe 4 years old. It worked and you fell asleep. Looking down at your angelic face brought me to tears of joy and love. 

The other dream you were probably closer to 7 or so and you were just having a rough time with something but I didn't know what. We went for a walk to a playground and we swung as high as we could on the swings. We didn't talk but did begin laughing as we continued swinging. You felt better and as we walked home, you held my hand.  I truly felt the mother-daughter bond with you. 

Neither of these are memories but they felt so familiar like I was remembering something. Is that you trying to get my attention? Is it you, or someone else, trying to give me comfort?