Those broken firsts

The last 10 days or so have been rough.  I miss you and struggled through a lot of firsts and were also lasts.  Realizing that the McCaw Christmas was the last time I saw you and trying to smile my way, along with Zayne, through the first one without you.  Hanging your Christmas stocking and knowing that I won't be filling it full of some random gifts and candy but at the same time knowing it just wasn't right to put your's up.

It's just been a really sucky time.  New Year's Eve will be difficult and so will the anniversary of your death, but I have this thought in my head that somehow, some way, once I get past all the firsts that things will get just a little bit easier.  There will be confirmation that I was able to make it through the most difficult year of my life.  You will still be greatly missed during all those special times but I hope it will sting just a little less.  You'll never be forgotten and there will forever be a hole where you should have been.  I just hope it becomes less painful.

I placed a framed photo of you under my Christmas tree.  I've debated getting a special candle to further memorialize you at the holidays but am thinking against that.  Instead, I'm going to do a special candle but to light to stand in as you for those big days.  I'm sure I will forget to light it from time to time and will beat myself up about it but I like the idea.

I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were still here.

The picture under my tree - you in that silly sweater that made you so happy on our last Christmas together.