Dear Kyah:
In a little under an hour, it will be the one year anniversary of your death. It doesn't seem possible that it's been a full year without you in this world. At the same time, it's been forever since you were here. I miss you with all of my being. There is so much I wish I could say to you, so much I wish I would have said.
One thing for sure, I'd tell you I love you at every possible chance and show you even more. I know you knew I loved you but I don't know if you knew just how much. I cannot put it into words now, and it's not that it matters anyway, but I truly did, and do, love you to the moon and back.
The world is strange without you. It will never be the same but we are all doing our best to move on and get used to this new normal. I'd give virtually anything to have you back but I know that's not an option. So I do my best to move forward, moment by moment. Some days are easier than others and some days are totally unbearable. But I keep going. I know it's what you'd want me to do.
Love you, Kyah. I always have and I always will. To the moon and back. Miss you, girl child.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
January 12 and 13, 2016
JANUARY 12, 2016
7:57 pm - I text you
8:29 pm - You text me in return
11:37 pm - You take your last breath
JANUARY 13, 2016
1:36 am - Your father calls me from Zayne's phone to tell me you've died in a fire
1:37 am - Life becomes the new normal and I couldn't hate it more if I tried
7:57 pm - I text you
8:29 pm - You text me in return
11:37 pm - You take your last breath
JANUARY 13, 2016
1:36 am - Your father calls me from Zayne's phone to tell me you've died in a fire
1:37 am - Life becomes the new normal and I couldn't hate it more if I tried
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Last talk
Dear Kyah:
One year ago today, at 8:11 pm, I talked to you for the very last time. You were responding to my numerous calls, texts, emails, and messages expressing my concern over what was going on with you. You had missed school and I couldn't get in touch with you. I refused to call your father and Zayne had no clue. I was worried and could only think of the worst - that you were back in Richard Young after another attempt on your life.
Our conversation was short so I, of course, now wish we'd spoken longer. Did I tell you I love you? I usually did but I cannot remember.
It's strange, all these firsts and lasts. The last time I talked to you, the first Christmas without you. We are coming up on the big first/last...the last day of your life and the first anniversary of your death. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I know I'll cry some but have no clue if I'll be a total wreck or mostly composed.
They say it gets easier with time, and they are right. But because it gets easier, it becomes harder, partially because you feel bad that it's getting easier.
I still miss you and will for the rest of my life. I love you, and that is also something that will continue forever.
One year ago today, at 8:11 pm, I talked to you for the very last time. You were responding to my numerous calls, texts, emails, and messages expressing my concern over what was going on with you. You had missed school and I couldn't get in touch with you. I refused to call your father and Zayne had no clue. I was worried and could only think of the worst - that you were back in Richard Young after another attempt on your life.
Our conversation was short so I, of course, now wish we'd spoken longer. Did I tell you I love you? I usually did but I cannot remember.
It's strange, all these firsts and lasts. The last time I talked to you, the first Christmas without you. We are coming up on the big first/last...the last day of your life and the first anniversary of your death. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I know I'll cry some but have no clue if I'll be a total wreck or mostly composed.
They say it gets easier with time, and they are right. But because it gets easier, it becomes harder, partially because you feel bad that it's getting easier.
I still miss you and will for the rest of my life. I love you, and that is also something that will continue forever.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Those broken firsts
The last 10 days or so have been rough. I miss you and struggled through a lot of firsts and were also lasts. Realizing that the McCaw Christmas was the last time I saw you and trying to smile my way, along with Zayne, through the first one without you. Hanging your Christmas stocking and knowing that I won't be filling it full of some random gifts and candy but at the same time knowing it just wasn't right to put your's up.
It's just been a really sucky time. New Year's Eve will be difficult and so will the anniversary of your death, but I have this thought in my head that somehow, some way, once I get past all the firsts that things will get just a little bit easier. There will be confirmation that I was able to make it through the most difficult year of my life. You will still be greatly missed during all those special times but I hope it will sting just a little less. You'll never be forgotten and there will forever be a hole where you should have been. I just hope it becomes less painful.
I placed a framed photo of you under my Christmas tree. I've debated getting a special candle to further memorialize you at the holidays but am thinking against that. Instead, I'm going to do a special candle but to light to stand in as you for those big days. I'm sure I will forget to light it from time to time and will beat myself up about it but I like the idea.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were still here.
It's just been a really sucky time. New Year's Eve will be difficult and so will the anniversary of your death, but I have this thought in my head that somehow, some way, once I get past all the firsts that things will get just a little bit easier. There will be confirmation that I was able to make it through the most difficult year of my life. You will still be greatly missed during all those special times but I hope it will sting just a little less. You'll never be forgotten and there will forever be a hole where you should have been. I just hope it becomes less painful.
I placed a framed photo of you under my Christmas tree. I've debated getting a special candle to further memorialize you at the holidays but am thinking against that. Instead, I'm going to do a special candle but to light to stand in as you for those big days. I'm sure I will forget to light it from time to time and will beat myself up about it but I like the idea.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were still here.
 |
| The picture under my tree - you in that silly sweater that made you so happy on our last Christmas together. |
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